As random as it gets

it’s 62 degrees in the middle of winter and i’m loving it. i took a brief (unfortunately work-related) walk a few minutes ago and had a blast. the sun was high, but the breeze made it feel like Fall was just creeping in. a welcome change from the below zero cold (based on european standards) that i’ve been detesting the past month or so. according to our local weatherman, it’s going to be another three days before our thermometers plummet again, so i’m relishing every minute of this sudden and brief drop. can you just imagine if people didn’t have a respite from harsh weather, or come to think of it, a break from any period of drudgery? i think we would literally go crazy and succumb to hopelessness. sporadic periods of sunlight to break the ice (literally) or unexpected surprises like getting your tax refund in the mail (!) help us believe that life is good and that things will ALWAYS get better; in fact, if you reflect on it longer, despite the many setbacks you think you may encounter, life is ALWAYS good. clouds may come into your life, but it doesn’t mean that the sun disappears, right?…thank goodness for that "62" today and the "68" tomorrow.. i’m sure those numbers will help me smile at the 20s still coming my way. 

in between trying to absorb conan’s jokes and doing my best to tame my insomnia attack, i find myself blogging here for the first time in ten months. tsk tsk. yeah, i officially lost the zeal for jotting down my thoughts on virtual paper - not on purpose though. i suppose when a young professional trying to live the dream is left to do EVERYthing by herself in order to survive (and i mean EVERYTHING -tugging two loads of laundry to the basement and back, carrying half a dozen grocery bags through two shady blocks of Mount (no-so) Pleasant, defrosting and cooking chicken adobo, paying a litany of bills, chasing the right bus to get home on time, determining if world bank business indicators are relevant in mongolia or tanzania, and practically bonding with the office Dell all day), there’s not much room for wallowing in existential questions or oft-needed catharsis. geez. i’m even struggling right now to find the best words in my vocabulary to express my thoughts. what a figurative brain freeze. or maybe it’s a literal one. i swear, my mind has simply refused to excrete its usual human (ergo, creative) juices. i’m aware that my sleep-deprived body is begging me to get cozy under my sheets, but somehow, my brain is just too stubborn to give in. i wonder what it wants. ahhh…i think i know: sleeping pills. problem is, if i take the ones i have in stock at this time of the night (er, morning), i won’t be able to wake up in time for work. *Sigh* i guess i just have to force my eyes to close until my grey matter will have no choice but to take a nap out of boredom.

hmmm…i think i need a bigger, softer bed. and i need it badly.

how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone? what can - or what WILL - you give up freely and whole-heartedly? what would you do - or not do - just so that things will turn out for the best? i wonder. take your pick:

1. would you go for your dream job or stop going for it? 2. would you put a lid on what makes you happy or what you know will make you happy just so someone else will be? 3. would you ever say that what matters to you should no longer matter?

pretty serious stuff. most would say that answering those questions should always be about this: seeking your own happiness first before anyone else’s; for if one is not happy with his or her choice, then all subsequent actions would be rendered meaningless. one would simply be the epitome of biterness and regret.

but believe me, there could come a moment in your life when the all-so-unthinkable phenomenon of giving your ’self’ up for someone IS suddenly possible. it’s when you realize that there is something more meaningful and significant than yourself alone; it’s when you find yourself ready to turn your back on all you’ve known as personally true because what is now going to make you happy and content is not your own joy, but that of another, whom you love. yes, this can happen to the best of us. and it can happen to us, no matter how much we’ve always put a premium on self-fulfillment and personal happiness. martyrdom can become us. and whether it’s a bad thing or not, i cannot and would not dare judge. all i know is that i have seen it happen. and what’s more? i think i have wet my feet in it and am slowly submerging myself in the process of this kind of sacrifice.

am i crazy? am i regretting this commitment of "giving" ? i don’t think i am. sure, it can defintiely take its toll. it can cause sleepless nights and the eyebags that go with it. it can make you wonder, "what if i just thought about MYSELF? period." it can leave you in limbo and lead you to getting down on your knees every night, asking the Almighty for that moment when the dust finally settles and everything just falls into place…but despite all that, NO - i have no regrets. and i don’t think i will do it differently if i could.

at this point, what lies ahead may appear nebulous and daunting to me…but that doesn’t mean that i have qualms about engaging in this sacrifice. for it’s still my free will that’s at work here. i can, at anytime, just give up and cease to give in. but i don’t, and i won’t. because it’s a free choice - my choice. and i chose to do this because what i put premium on today has transcended that which i valued in a vacuum not so long ago.

why the change? well, i no longer live as a solitary being. i am now part of something greater than myself in this world - a bond of friendship, partnership and love. so whatever it is i do will mean something to and for someone else. whatever i decide can affect the life of another. and whatever i become as a result of taking that into consideration is, in my view, a rare gift that will ultimately bring me happiness - the kind that i NEVER knew i wanted and needed, but will be fortunate and blessed to revel in.

so how much AM I willing to sacrifice for someone? simple: whatever it takes to keep that bond in tact. and how much is "whatever it takes"? i know, but can’t tell. go figure.

i wasn’t in the City when the famous tall twins fell. i wasn’t deafened by the rumbling of heavy steel or the shattering of supposedly unbreakable glass when the proudest-standing towers on earth succumbed to the cruelty of flames lit by hate. i never saw the pitch black face of nothingness when downtown was covered by a blanket of smoke and sorrow. i wasn’t (and still am not) a native of this "land of the free" when that fateful autumn day changed the way the world turns.

but being here — having had the melancholic privilege to ride through the pit of ground zero and walk on its soil while on my way to work on wall street, seeing the now-refurbished walls of the pentagon when i ride the metro to and from arlington, and strolling by pennsylvania avenue from work daily with the white house at the corner of my eye, i can’t help but feel that something was also taken away from me this very day, five years ago. i can’t tell you exactly what it is i lost. was it the sense of freedom? maybe. was it the illusion that this world was at peace? perhaps. but what i can tell you definitively is what i didn’t lose; in fact, i can tell you what i gained on that very day.

i achieved a wider, clearer perspective. i didn’t lose my faith in the face of cynicism and devastation. i held on to the belief that evil can only be as concrete as we allow it to be. and i gained a resolve to be part of that struggle to make sure that such an atrocity would never happen again - not just on american soil, but ANYWHERE in the world. that’s why i ended up in new york. that’s why i chose to write a 70-page thesis on how to overcome the threat of terror. that’s why i pursued a field that would make it possible for nations to strengthen security, with the least possible risk of shattering what little is left of the fragile peace in this world.

i chose this career path in International Relations — even if 99% of the people i know mistakenly think that my course is just a blurry off-shoot of Psychology and Manners class, or "Public/Human Relations" on a global scale (and end up politely halting the inquisition into my academic endeavors as a sign that it would have been more practical to pursue a stable course such as business, law or medicine) — because i knew that i was passionate about bringing those unfeeling, inhuman beings to justice. call it  TOO idealistic, but someone has got to be.

today, i still haven’t been part of international security negotiations to navigate towards victory in the war on terror. i have yet to be the expert on counter-terrorist tactics. but, having felt the silent pain of new yorkers as i strolled through downtown for two years, continuing to see the devastating yet inspiring pictures of sacrifice, watching the chilling videos and hearing the hair-raising, tear-jerking testimonies over and over again, i know that holding on to my dream at this relatively early time is the best thing i can do to honor the memory of the more than 2,700 heroes who were lost that day. my idealism is more than just a personal driving force. it is my token of respect and hope.

today is 9.11.2006. and today, as in the days to come, i will always remember; for there’s simply no room to forget. and i pray that wherever you are, whether you share an affinity with those infamous september events or not, you too will do the same.

Success: one of the most difficult concepts to define. of course, the word is so relative that no one can really claim a monopoly of its understanding. i was reminded by ambi (who, i should say, i miss like CRAZY every single second of my monotonous day) that success can only be defined by YOU; that one should not judge the depth and breadth of his accomplishments by false societal criteria.  indeed. such a truism. anyone who disagrees with that statement would have to take a Self-Worth 101 course to assess his reasons for living. but somehow, even if we know that our success is defined solely by what it is that means so much to us, there always remains this (teeny-weeny, okay - not so miniscule - AND worldly burning) desire for your personal gauge of success to be acknowledged by, at least, the people who matter most to you …after all, what is meaningful in life always seems connected to the way our loved ones are configured into our own little universe; for if they are unable to share in the joy of our "successes" or have the inability to find significance in them the way that we do, then everything that we think and have always thought means so much to us suddenly loses its invaluable luster. trust me, it hasn’t been long since i have witnessed that phenomenon of ‘the fading luster of self-defined success’. recently, i have ended up evaluating and re-evaluating my personal criteria for non-failure in life, thinking that i may have been delusional to even include ‘graduate degree’ or ‘independence’ or ‘capability to save the world’ as vital points on my measuring cup for success since other people simply read theirs differently.

but given everything that i have attained at this point in my life, i should be able to say that i have reached that level of success i could only have dreamed of five years ago - i have two degrees tucked under my belt, can pay for my own bills,  live 15 minutes away from the most powerful man in the world, am the healthiest i’ve ever been, work for an organization that dreams of a world free of poverty, and have the most incredible, loving partner and husband-to-be that God can give. all these should have a "tick" mark on my road-to-success checklist. but why do i feel that i still haven’t succeeded? what is missing?

what defines MY success then? i’ve been pondering on this question for nights-on-end - i’ve literally lost sleep and if truth be told, almost didn’t make it to work on time this morning (as it has been for the past 10 days). surprisingly though, despite being way under forty winks lately, i do not have a dearth of answers to my questions. in fact, i have one that stands out. a successful erika lorenzana will not be defined by going back to law school or becoming the united nations’ anti-terrorism guru (although those would definitely add some more-than-edible-and-enjoyable spice to my life). neither will my success also be defined by what my parents, relatives or friends think (or don’t think) about what i have chosen to do with my life. the answer is the most simple yet the most complex there is  - - my true success can only be achieved by sticking to the measures i’ve set for myself since i could remember, and being the way i AM right here and now. so what then, is the missing link you ask, that can allow me to say "I’ve arrived."? it is this: having the ability to take the amtrak Regional back to new york for good. because only new york has that ONE thing that makes me complete. only new york has my soulmate. only new york has the man i love. so only THAT can make me the happiest and most successful woman in the world.

this is it: the crossword puzzle craze for me has begun. i know, i know. living for more than a quarter of a century should have made me aware that those boxed alphabet conundrums have existed for scores on end. but growing up, i never really took a liking toward them. the clues just never made sense to me - or should i say, never appealed to me - because they were always devised in this disgustingly witty if-you-don’t-get-me-then-you’re-dumb sort of way. but alas, forty minutes of doing nothing on the N or W train everyday is perhaps just what it takes to turn me into a crossword freak. i swear, those puzzles have become my daily dose of nicotine (not that i was ever addicted to the real thing). i actually approach those amNewYork and Metro hawkers to grab a free copy, lest i miss my regular morning brain crunch - and regret it. so after convincing myself years ago that i would never succumb to the lure of the crossword (inasmuch as i have also begun a self-imposed boycott on sudoku), i unfortunately have become a victim of its charm. don’t ask me why…

the question is though, how do we know if the things we really despise are indeed that - worthy of revulsion? if we have controlled our brains to hate certain things, are we depriving ourselves of the little joys of life that we never knew existed or could exist? does my utter disgust for ampalaya, for instance, divest me of the delight that others experience from devouring it? does my complaining about the drudgery of work far remove me from the fulfillment that would have easily come my way if only I looked at the possibilities of growth that i have in front of me? sometimes, we unknowingly get caught up in hating the things we hate (or think we hate) and don’t even remember why we do so in the first place.

now, looking at crossword puzzles every morning and the formerly disgustingly-looking clues, i now wonder when, why, and how I allowed myself to fall into the trap of shunning away intellectual puzzles of that sort. all these years, I missed the little nerdy delight of being able to successfully complete those word links on recycled tabloid paper. ( i have yet to solve one in its entirety, yet that’s beside the point!) but as they say, it’s never too late. learning to appreciate something, which you thought you could never be fond of in a hundred years, can actually come as a pleasant surprise. i don’t know how much more time it will take for me to possess that acquired taste for ampalaya though, but I think starting the process with crossword puzzles is not bad at all. if all goes well, then from here, i can maybe - just maybe - discover the wonders of welcoming untapped happiness-inducers into this already somewhat jaded life of mine.

someone should intelligently formulate a curriculum for the course ‘Waiting 101′. sure, i’ve waited for things to come my way before - the 33rd street train, a four-hour delayed air canada flight, an acceptance letter for grad school, the next season of amazing race, the day I become UN secretary general, an unfulfilled promise, a job offer, and even the possibility of eighty-degree weather during a snow storm (yeah, right). with my prolific career as a ‘wait-er’ you would think i would have gotten "waiting" down to a science - and even an art. but alas, every new occurrence that necessitates an unknown duration of inactivity is simply as agonizing as the last. after all, even if you’re an expereinced equestrian, holding on to your horses is always a challenging task.

patience is difficult to come by when we desire for something that is so near yet so far. the irony of being able to bask in unbelievable opportunities yet, not being defnitively presented with a single one is what can drive one into inexplicable insanity. how does a normal human being aptly condition one’s psyche that things will fall into place, when all that is left to cling on is a thin silk thread of uncertainty? how does one manage to reconcile the fact of a recent academic accomplishment the size of Mount St. Helens with the necessity of pushing that feat aside to take on a mind-numbing enterprise, lest the chances of survival in this dog-eat-dog world be nil? should we grab and fill ourselves with hors d’oeuvres that are momentarily served to us on platters or should we endure that (famine-inducing) wait to be called for that fine French buffet, at the risk of being last in line and not being able to taste that illusive fois gras? but bottom line: should we even bother to wait at all?

when we wait, we have an idea of what MAY come next, but we are never certain as to the time of the arrival of whatever it is that we are awaiting. so why subject ourselves to this distressing circumstance? why allow our lives to be tortured by painful idle time? (at this point, i actually stopped writing and intently thought about the answer. and here it is…) well, i think we permit ourselves to undergo the waiting process, not because it’s the most ideal situation to be in, but because it seems that waiting is not simply a test of one’s ability to break the Guiness record for most patient primate. i believe that waiting is a determining factor of one’s capability to face dilemmas head-on and still make the most logical choices. as they say (pardon the politically-incorrect idiom), it separates the men form the boys.

so even if i have never taken pleasure in waiting, i guess i should think of it as one of those four inescapable things in life (the other three are change, death and taxes). every breathing creature has no choice but to wait at one point or another - for a winning lottery number, a yellow cab on a harsh winter night, a husband, a wife, a job offer letter, a raise, a chance for independence, a stroke of luck. it’s an unfathomable phenomenon that is divinely-placed on earth for us to better appreciate whatever it is that we get after the waiting game is over. i still abhor waiting (i wish i could snap my fingers and skip on to the part where everything has fallen into place), so I still think i need someone to formulate that 101 course…but knowing that i can exploit that period to build my character and use it to think about where my life is headed, makes it a little bit easier to bear…

but hey, wait a minute…i think the agony for me is almost over. =)

ALL OF US NEED ALONE TIME. do we really, even if we have promised to share
our deepest thoughts with someone? do we really, even if we know we can be
comfortably silent in the presence of the Other we have chosen? do we really
need to stop the world and get off to achieve calming quiet and retain a sense
of who we are? perhaps…
true, we do need time for ourselves - to enter the recesses of our beings and
provide our souls with nurturing attention, to listen to our heart’s desires
and dreams, or to simply gift our minds with the silence it fails to hear in
the midst of our taxing daily grind. yet introspection does not, and should
not, mean shutting out the who’s and the what’s around you. one’s prerogative
to pleasantly endure solitary moments is a blessing of free will that deserves
utmost respect. yet, like all decisions of free will, the choice to detach
oneself from a frimly established circle of commitment and trust is one that we
must undertake carefully. it should not prevent the usual smile on the face of
someone who cares from surfacing; neither should it strip that someone of an
already-given promise and assurance of perennial and unwavering affection.
although we are entitled to wander off alone into the deep forest of thought,
we cannot simply and carelessly  embark on such a journey if we have
chosen to travel with a companion. at the precise moment we choose not to
sojourn by ourselves, we immediately cease to live in isolation. we no longer
exist as detached individuals, but transform into someone else’s half. we can
still opt to trek silently during the voyage, yet we can no longer divert
wantonly when the urge to do so arises. it’s not that our freedom as
individulas has been curtailed; no. it simply means that we, as persons now
inextricably linked to another cannot easily break away without so much of a
warning - for to do so would indeed present us with the alone time we used to
enjoy as solitary lives, but would unconsciously and painfully shatter the
balance of companionship we have sought hard to realize.
time for oneself is truly precious. yet before we begin availing of the peace
of mind it offers, it might be best to look around charily - for we’ll never
know if someone else is losing a big part of himself or herself, while we gain
what we think is the world we are still (selfishly) entitled to in the process.

ever since my short-term memory from infancy transformed into one that was capable of storing long-term data and vivid images, all i have come to believe about the way i move around this planet is this: i do not have the capacity to remain idle. i have acquired the skill of thriving on a workaholic’s diet of endless study hours, a marathon of hundred-hour meetings, and choking deadlines. since i became the president of my first grade class at age seven, stagnation and lethargy could not seem to enter my behavioral vocabulary. the lifestyle i unconsciously, yet willingly, chose for myself was one which filled my waking hours (and even my REM-filled parts of the day) with hellish activity, to say the least. yet i savored every minute of it. i took pleasure in being busy and made certain that i was continuously engaged in things that stimulated my brain, body and spirit. my weekly dose of multi-vitamins did not come in the shape of bottled wellness pills, but rather, came in the form of ballet, jazz class, voice lessons, acting workshops, ice skating tutorials, speed reading, piano lessons, swimming lessons, gymnastics, ballroom dancing, tae-bo, group studies, choir practice, heck, even crystal mediation. yes, i was an all-you-can-eat extra-curricular activity freak.
but a month after completing my grad program, little did i know that i would actually find myself in a state of human inoperativeness. for the first time, i am going through perhaps the largest lull between pursuits in my life. thinking hard about it, i came to the conclusion that there’s nothing ultimately ghastly about this phenomenon called ‘a self-imposed vacation’. why? i finally have the time to just park myself on my antique-finished bed and enjoy the best-seller fiction novels i never dared pick up from the shelves of Barnes throughout the past couple of years… i now have the chance to survey the city without thinking of how to survive the hustle and bustle of manhattan pedestrians… i’m free to take a casual skate with ambi at the Pond and not worry about catching a train…and at last, i can just hibernate or hang out in the comforts of my home and stare at the boob tube till my eyes sag. indeed, idleness is not so bad after all — that is, until other people think that since you have nothing better to do, you might as well do everything for them; that instead of stunting your human body’s potential, it would be better if its capacity for movement and exertion be used to accomplish what other stressed-out mortals have no "extra" time to fulfill. and when this realization slowly flows into these busy beings, there goes all the time in the world for Barnes best-sellers, aimless wandering, leisure skating and the new season of American Idol. and you end up being something of worth once more in other people’s eyes.
whatever happened to giving others breathing space? where has the respect for other people’s worth and personal time vanished to? and more importantly, has humanity’s appreciation for allowing your body free time and rest, gone down the drain? with all the cut-throat competition and taxing work hours that this era of globalization has forced down our throats, it has dawned on me that people could easily get trapped in an empty drive for worldly ambition and temporal desires. one’s power to relish the fact that we have been given the gift to dwell and discover the beauty of this earth - and to simply not pass through it - could be sucked out and unfortunately go unnoticed. if we’re not careful, corporeal creatures like us can rapidly forget what matters most - genuine happiness, appreciation for time and life, respect, laughter, patience, friends, family, love.
if idle time can help me not to forget all these that put worth into our existence, then i hope that i will no longer revert to my freakish workaholic ways. as i turn a year older and wiser, i pray to be blessed with more ‘productive idle time’ to appreciate this life and all its wonders with the people i love.

don’t even try denying it: once in your life, you have cried because of a chick flick. (yes, even the most macho of the creatures from mars can’t hide from this curse). such cheesy films exist because we - hapless people in this cynical world - need to believe that somewhere under this expanse Fate controls, there is one person - and only ONE - that we are meant to passionately love for the rest of our lives. thanks to meg ryan’s incandescent charm and nicholas sparks’s incantation of The Notebook, we are, for a suspended moment, enveloped in the belief that being "deeply in love" is possible and even comprehensible. yet suspension of reality is precisely that -  a deferral; an adjournment of actuality. hence, after a couple of hours of cinematic romance, cupid’s magic vanishes and we are once again forcibly drawn to the biting veracity of heartbreak, infidelity and disenchantment. so much for the hypnotic blessings of reel life…OR SO I THOUGHT.

for the past few weeks, i have been living my own chick flick in the flesh. at the risk of being labeled a proponent of nauseating cliches, i can say that i finally understand what it is to be swept off my feet, to be madly in love, to be bursting with joy and to "just know" that i have found the One. never in my wildest dreams - or even daydreams - did i imagine that i had the capacity for such an intense and passionate feeling for someone - a feeling of completeness and contentment; an inner peace and stability; a recognition that the Mighty Force has a pleasant sense of humor to bless you with the gift of a life partner and best friend at the most unexpected yet unconsciously apropos time of your life; and a realization that soulmates are not merely fictitious characters fabricated by idealistic philosophers.
yes, i have found my soulmate. who would have thought that twenty thousand miles away from home, i would find my match, my other half. i never knew i would be fortunate, not to mention confident enough, to make such a claim. but Kismet has been overwhelmingly kind, and to deny such a blessing to the world would be a betrayal towards her benevolence and a failure to witness to the mysterious ways of love. indeed, it’s incredibly baffling to simply feel so sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. what you think can take an eternity to discover, actually only happens in a blink of an eye. and what a crystallizing blink it is - the future suddenly becomes so undauntingly clear.

call me mushy, and cringe all you want, but of all these i am sure: gazing into ambi’s eyes every day, holding his hand every free moment i can, and simply enjoying time and life with him in this beautiful place has given me a newfound happiness and fulfillment to last me a lifetime. i have been blessed with my partner, my best friend, my confidant, my soulmate, my everything. and i sincerely pray that every person in this world could experience the same bliss and love that this chick flick of mine has given. believe you me, heaven on earth is possible.